~Life as it Is!~

What are my problems??? Is it that big??? Is it that many???

I used to be able to handle these with ease... and now, what happened? The simplest of thing could be thought of can't be solved... Such nonsense... This is wrong...! This is unacceptable...!

Lets look back in time... deep in time... What is wrong... where does it starts? when?

Why does it seemed so simple long ago, and now it is the most complicated things happening??? Is it really complicated? or am I the one who makes this thing complicated? or is it just me???

Think... think... think... This is what I do best... once...

Now, not really... haha... I've lost my touch...

Lets see... I've discussed it with a friend... and then, it seemed so simple... Why? I even came out with the solution before I finished telling the whole story... why?

Its because I KNOW THE ANSWER...! Its just that it was too crowded in my head that I can't find myself thinking!!! huhu...

Or maybe its just that I need someone to talk to... Or I just want someone to care, without them knowing what actually happened... Well that answers why I choose people who doesn't know whats happening in my life... I guess... hmmmm... Well, they are good friends, and a good listener...

"Friend in need is a friend indeed..." huhu...

I actually could handle it, its just that I am not in the condition to do so at that particular time, I guess... So when i started telling it to a friend of mine, the mood change... and I was able to think and make conclusions and analyze of what is happening to me... hmmmmm... thats logical... and good enough for me... huhu...

So now, the trick is to learn whats the trick to make myself in a state of mind that allows me to think rationally... at its fullest... fully functional...

Well that's a  tough one... huhuhu... and a challenge too...

 Then the second problem arose, like the sun roses between the valley to the east... huhu...

and that would be, the need and wants... mine... of course...

Lets say that the things that I can do is symbolized with doors... and now, I know which door is good for me, and which is bad... I know which one is the one I want, and which is the one I need...

The biggest problem is that, even though I know that door is the one I need, yet I keep on choosing the one I want... And thus, it will keeps on growing and growing... and I mean the problem... Never to be solved... ahaha...

Sometimes I think I even tricked myself, into thinking that what I want is what I need... but it is wrong... totally wrong... I even sometimes stop thinking when I started to get the idea that what I need are not of those that I wanted... maybe because I want what I want, and for that, I tried to turn it to something I need... and that will never work... Its kinda complicated when it involves human mind... so vast, so deep... to much to be learn... huhu...

That is not the first time I've been tricking my mind... It was kinda like hypnotizing yourself... and I'm telling you, its the worst of thing that you could have done to yourself... haha...

I did it since I was in primary school, sometimes, on certain things... and now, I am confused of which is the truth, and which is not... It was like lying to yourself... and you will never get the answer... huhu...

What did I want in life???

Once, I just wanted to lead the simplest of life, happy, easy life... where everything fits itself, where you don't have to set everything to your desire, let it flow on its own... always, goodness knocking on the door, and nothing was stopping it from coming in...

Now... do I want fame? do I want Tittle? Do I want money? attention? What is it? Everything???

I know those won't lead me to happiness... but a mere dream that will hurt in the morning... waking up with nothing by your side... and then its too late.....

I think I need to regain my old self, to a certain degree...

It is more stable, and, carefree... cause I get all the help I need... huhu... Well, I need something to start it... or should I say, KICKSTART...!!! huhu...

Well actually I've been kicked several times before, but just like I said, I refused to learn, and choose what I wanted most, putting aside of what I need... haha... If it keeps on like this, then there are no solutions... huhu...

Maybe I should let the TIME once again do its job... of opening a wider path for me to see, then walks on it... well then... That wouldn't solve the problems I have now... hmmmm...

So what I can do, is to retrieve my old STATE OF MIND, so that my decision won't be effected much by the world... I've seen so many, but take the least... I shouldn't... I shouldn't...

Surely yes, the past can't be changed, and the future could... but the question is, WHEN??? if it doesn't come after the statement made, then it is rendered useless... huhu...